crash into my arms

the evolution of self esteem (or, "why i change my hair so often")

2012-02-09T18:05:00.023+11:00

the newest incarnation of the blue hair style (first photo).
they say getting a new hairstyle is highly stressful. i remember crying over a certain haircut. god, it was awful. and a long time ago, thank goodness. since then, i've come to understand that hair really does grow back and nothing lasts forever. although the dreads did have a run of seven years. way to go, dreads! the only surviving one is somewhere in europe - what?

if you know what life is worth

2011-12-31T20:29:00.002+11:00

here's to hoping all the silly little things get resolved, the sickness goes away, the sadness doesn't stay, the universe expands, the lizards lay in the sun and all the days of our lives are lived with nothing bigger to worry about than the everyday and the minor catastrophes.

'cause when another year turns and you're on the brink of another great leap, you know that life is an exciting, beautiful, chaotic mess and there's no sense in cleaning up just yet.

you're always talkin' talkin' talkin' talkin' shit now...

2011-10-06T21:00:00.003+11:00

wearin' a headband. eating lentil shepherd's pie.

sick of the chit chat shit talk of everyone who thinks everything is supposed to be easy. all the disgruntled 30-somethings who want everything and everyone to be perfect and are sad that steve jobs died of cancer and does anyone know how many month-old babies are dying from diarrhoea in places where an iPad would pay for 1000 of them to live.

up yours, entitled white folk. i include myself and my headband and my pie and my big fat entitled head in my general disgust.

2011-09-25T20:30:00.001+10:00

bunhead: "the porn industry is huge, though"

me: "that's because people are fucked"

'nuff said

2011-09-13T21:11:00.000+10:00

missed

2011-09-07T19:04:00.002+10:00

i miss you like the dickens. and his chickens.

drinking tea and eating soft-boiled eggsies, being snuggly, gallivanting about town, wandering through highgate, shopping and eating and holding hands. another three years and maybe we will brighten the big city skyline again.

show yourself to me and i'd believe.

you can't be what you were

2011-09-05T19:31:00.002+10:00

the time is now. it's running out. it's running out, it's running running running out.

the months whirl by and it's all beyond me. somewhere beyond me everything is waiting to begin. i'm caught up in a whirlpool that spins the one way, each week whipping by, each day a vortex of minutiae and sameness and stress until my muscles are knotted and i'm screaming at people in my dreams loud enough to pull my neck muscles awake. dreaming of glitter boots for the calgary stampede and waking in a sweat.

video portrait of a madwoman

2011-06-13T19:11:00.002+10:00

i've got a bad hair day going on, originally uploaded by bess grant.

madwoman. mama mama mama.

if dinner's gonna get made, hair ain't gonna get brushed.

growing, growing... gone!

2011-04-10T17:13:00.004+10:00

along with the seasons, my bub changes at the speed of lightning. the latest craze is for letters. letters from my little lefty. currently in production - thank you cards for birthday gifts!

seasons change and so do you

2011-04-07T21:09:00.002+10:00

autumn web, originally uploaded by bess grant.

it's cooler at night now and the dew gathers every morning before the sun burns it off. it's rain chasing wind chasing sun chasing rainbows across the crisp blue australian sky and i'm slowly beginning to really live here. in this space and in this climate and in this life that's been a little crazy lately.

rhythm band plays the rain and the rain drums the roof and the sun dries the rain and the dew drops the web.

mo' momo please!

2011-02-21T12:11:00.003+11:00

a friend at work gave me the most delicious recipe for a potato dish from nepal:

************
boil potatoes, cool, remove skins and chop
chop cucumber and carrots and add to potatoes
mix in 1-2 tbsp crushed sesame (i toast it first)
add salt
heat 2 tbsp oil in a pan until hot
add 1 tsp fenugreek and sizzle it
add turmeric and sizzle 3 seconds
add oil and spice mix to potato mix
add lemon juice and fresh chillies to taste
************
easy and yum!
she was also kind enough to write down the recipe for veggie momo, which is a nepalese dumpling that is served with a yummy tomato sauce. we tried our hand at them and, while they didn't end up looking too pretty (i will need rina to show me in person!), they tasted good!

i return to work in a week and, while i'm not looking forward to some parts of it, i am definitely looking forward to seeing my coworkers and maybe, just maybe, snagging some more delicious nepalese recipes!

if you have to ask you'll never know

2011-02-17T09:16:00.003+11:00

all i can say is "wow"!, originally uploaded by bess grant.

that's one funky chicken! she may have inherited her dancing genes from me, which means she doesn't have any...

you're my lover not my rival

2011-02-14T20:52:00.000+11:00

i still think that this is the best valentine of all time. OF ALL TIME!

closely followed by this one:

and then this one:

it's verified - geek first, mom second. now where did i leave the origin of species now??

do you like me? i guess...

2011-02-10T08:33:00.004+11:00

you'd think someone as old as i am would be able to act grown up or more mature or something. however, let me let you in on a few little secrets...

today (and it's only 8:30 in the morning) i poured too much cereal and forced myself to eat it all and now i'm gonna barf. i forgot it was my tenth anniversary this morning when bunhead was still at home and then had to TEXT him to say happy anniversary! i told bub that something was "up my butt" when she asked where it was (it wasn't really there, i'm not that immature). i talked to a cockatoo in cockatoo language - and if you've heard a cockatoo in the morning then you know the neighbours didn't enjoy that. to round it all out, i did a wiggly little dance after i dropped the terrors off at daycare and saw that i have 4 hours of kidless time to myself.

four hours. what should i do? play playdough? do a puzzle? cry because i want to have cookies for breakfast and i won't let me? maybe just sit here, drool and then fall on the floor? yeah. you're right. that last thing sounds good.

rebuilt me back anew with something to look forward to

2011-02-06T19:30:00.000+11:00

the list at the moment:

- interstellar space travel (go virgin galactic, go!)
- reading cosmic connection
- more camping
- 2 days involving opera and NO KIDS this coming weekend!!
- sleeping tonight in a room that is cooler than 36 degrees

there's a star man

2011-01-24T09:10:00.000+11:00

david bowie basically admitted that he's an alien in ziggy stardust. people are so closed to it that they said "what a great concept album". concept album? bullshit, that shit is REAL. that's his life he's talkin' about.

you're an alien and we all know it. so drop the englishman act, mr. stardust.

empire strikes back

2011-01-08T08:28:00.000+11:00

ten years of marriage can be annoying. actually, let me rephrase that. being married for ten years to the same person can make you into a very annoying person. and vice versa. leaving the butter on the counter annoys bunhead and then it annoys me when he puts it away. we're annoying, but hopefully only to each other.

and if he would stop putting the butter back, i could make more of these:

ten years this february... i feel old. maybe cookies will make me feel better.

all i want for christmas

2010-11-30T08:38:00.001+11:00

all i want for christmas, originally uploaded by bess grant.

sleep? what's that?

raise the roof

2010-11-04T15:20:00.003+11:00

turns out bublet really likes music. i mean, i know all babies like music, but at the moment the bublet looks like a baby at a rave. she's wavin' glo-sticks, raisin' the roof, rocking back and forth, making incoherent screeching noises, drooling and licking the floor. ok... she pretty much looks like a normal person at a rave then.

oh! now she's trying to pull up the floor boards - which have turned into GREEN FOAM!!! we need an intervention up in here! this shit is off the chizain!

happy hallowe'en

2010-11-01T15:25:00.004+11:00

published bub

2010-10-19T10:13:00.003+11:00

last year (or maybe the year before), hygeia press asked me if they could publish bub's photo on the cover of one of their books. here is the result:

no money, but i've got my first photo published and credited in the real world (there are a few in online news items). something i've always wanted to do.

they mailed me a couple of copies. too bad i can't read it... or not, considering it looks really boring (sorry hygeia press!) if you can, (or were inclined to), read it, their site is here. lettura felice!

amusement for small minds

2010-10-17T18:58:00.002+11:00

windy!, originally uploaded by bess grant.

the question is, whose mind - ours or the baby's?

and i'll make it all worthwhile

2010-10-09T17:02:00.006+11:00

ME: your medical distress just got me 85 points in scrabble for "fistular".

BUNHEAD:great... i'm glad the last year of my life has been worth something.

lazy sunday

2010-10-03T21:38:00.002+11:00

i'm out of touch. so out of touch

2010-09-28T20:15:00.002+10:00

i don't even know where to begin. so many things have changed and life for us keeps turning over a new leaf. get used to something and more change comes. good in many (in most) ways. bad only in that it's so hard to catch my breath. and a stolen moment to write to you happens so rarely when the work, the work, the work is always piling up and there is always someone who needs taking care of. my pinpoints of light, stable and brilliant against this maniac background that's become everyday life.

a clockwork baby

2010-09-21T20:07:00.002+10:00

we're going for a bit more angelic, here.

crash into my arms, i want you...

2010-09-16T21:04:00.002+10:00

on monday morning at 6:30 am, bunhead got up, listened to a message on the phone, came into the bedroom and said "i have to go to the hospital right now. they have a deceased donor kidney. i'm having the transplant today"

months of preparation for the live donor surgery and planning to have help with the kids come from overseas and now, three days later, i have a bunhead with a new kidney and it seems to be working and it seems that life is changing again. for a while for the worse and then for the better, better, better - by leaps and bounds! i am thanking my lucky stars to have my beautiful babies and my beautiful bunhead safe and sound and on the way to well.

sleep tonight may be broken again and populated by hazy dreams and crazy images behind my hospital-dried eyes, but it is one sleep closer to having bunhead home and in my arms where my girls and my boy should be.

second chicken dance of the weekend

2010-09-16T07:59:00.001+10:00

second chicken dance of the weekend, originally uploaded by bess grant.

down to the bottom and 'round on the bottom we go

2010-09-08T15:15:00.005+10:00

the bunhead was supposed to be recovering from a kidney transplant right now. my mom flew here from canada to help out while he was in the hospital and, while she was somewhere over the pacific, the transplant coordinator told us that the transplant was cancelled. some antibodies were found in the bunhead's blood that were not there the last time they checked his and his mom's blood.

so here i am, plus a mom who feels useless, plus 18 more dialysis sessions, plus more treatments for bunhead to strip the antibodies out of his blood. plus more of the same drudgery that has been happening for over a year. sometimes i gotta hand it to you, god. you're a real joker. and by the way, thinking that you don't exist means i think that your sense of humour doesn't, either.

bringing home bedlam

2010-08-30T22:19:00.000+10:00

hello!

although i rarely find the time to write on my own blog, i did do a guest post for meli-mello about bringing home baby number 2. you can find it here.

although i don't know melanie in person, i have been reading her blog for about a year. she is intelligent and i admire that she has interests outside of her children that she is able to write about (and that one of those is canadian literature!). she just gave birth to another beautiful baby girl, fionnuala. she already has a very cute 2 year old named moira. you can read her blog here.

now, if melanie (or someone!) would just give me some deadlines for this blog, i might get something written.

i'd rather not be the one behind the wheel

2010-08-22T10:32:00.004+10:00

picture this:
i am 16 years old. full of myself. full of hatred for everything and everyone except for my friends, cigarettes and coffee, sartre and music. but worse... i am full of 10 cups of tea. it is winter in welland, ontario and i have a driving lesson with bob barber of young drivers of canada, whom i despise, (of course).
needless to say, a big part of that "lesson" was spent trying to find a public washroom somewhere.

fast forward 17 years:
it is sunday morning. i have had three hours of sleep. i need to drink another cup of coffee. and i have my first driving lesson in 17 years. in one hour. in a busy city as far away from home as it is possible to get, with roundabouts and left-of-the-street drivers. and the pressure is on because i need to learn to drive by september 14th. a little apprehensive, yes. but determined. and NOT full of tea.

bring it on, sunday drivers.

sight for sore eyes

2010-07-24T16:08:00.001+10:00

, originally uploaded by bess grant.

thank you, bunhead.

i'm always willing to learn when you've got something to teach

2010-07-23T19:25:00.004+10:00

nothing has changed. same old sleepless nights. bublet now fusses almost constantly after the first feed. she wants me to hold her hand, rub her tum, whisper in her ear. she flops like a fish if I take my hand off of her. rock-a-bye baby, driving me mental. bub hasn't slept through the night for four months. the torture unfolds before me with years and years of no sleep, pink eye, pouting, sneaking out and potentially unworthy boyfriends and i ask myself again why i did this to my free-wheeling, money-amassing, 20-something year old self. biological clock, my ass, this is the ultimate in biochemical warfare raining down pouchy eyes, saggy stomachs and the need to say "good job" about the simplest things.

speaking of which, i actually caught myself saying "good running" to bub today. next i suppose i'll have to praise her amazing ability to breathe. when did we start treating our children like this? i've noticed it everywhere lately. good listening, good walking, good sharing, good good good. why all this insincerity and over-praise? i may just be feeling grumpy from lack of sleep, but does it seem to anyone else that if we are constantly telling our kids how good they are for doing the everyday, they won't really get a sense of achievement from the big things? or maybe we'll just have generations of extremely egotistical people.

i can just see my 19 year old in the library:

"hey, look how well i ran this photocopier! i'm also wearing matching socks, in case you didn't notice yet. somebody? are you looking?? see? seeeeee? anybody?"

oh well. if they ever have kids, they'll learn pretty quickly that they're no longer the centre of the universe. a position i plan to reestablish as lawfully mine in about 20 years time...

love is our resistance

2010-05-18T15:13:00.007+10:00

i dread going to bed because i know bub is going to wake up screaming. i listen for it and i know when it's coming. it's weird how that happens. the anticipation of an event seems to bring on the event itself. i wake and no more than 5 minutes later bub starts screaming. i guess it could be that she makes some whimpery noises before the screaming that wake me up and i am not conscious of them.

but things are getting out of hand. she has learned how to open her bedroom door now, even though she can't reach the door knob. she started screaming last night and bunhead went in, but she seems to have a mommy issue lately (perhaps she needs me more now that bublet needs me) and wouldn't stop screaming until i came in. back to bed she went and an hour later was screaming again. we tried ignoring her (funny how that NEVER works) and a few minutes later she had jimmied the door and was in our bedroom. she doesn't get a good sleep there because i am up with bublet and it wakes her. but she doesn't get a good sleep in her bed either. i am giving up. i have no idea what's gotten into her and am going to chalk it up to a "phase" as there is no catalyst for nightmares that i can find and she won't tell me if there is something she's afraid of. the only thing i can think is that the arrival of bublet took some time to affect her and she's having nightmares about the fact that she is now not the centre of the universe (not literally, although i am sure that is nightmarish to her when she does reflect upon it). she doesn't even stay in our bed, but as soon as 5 am rolls around, is trying to get up to play. she leaves, drags a stool into her bedroom and turns on the light, then trots around the house pushing chairs beneath light switches and turning them all on. this would be fine except that there are ten million things she could hurt herself with (and more that i can't even think of, i am sure), so someone has to get up with her. the lack of sleep doesn't seem to affect bub. just my luck to get a kid who burns like a bonfire lit from the tiniest spark.

bunhead has a permanent headache in the back of his brain. my eyes won't focus anymore. so tonight an air mattress goes on her floor so that at least we can get some sleep in there. and hopefully this will come to an end eventually by itself. before she's a teenager. these kids. these kids, these kids, these kids. i am shaking my fuzzy, sleep-deprived head. the only thing that makes it bearable is that i love them again in the morning.

here they are, just to remind myself that they sleep. they do. and they will, again.

you think you only know me when you turn out the light

2010-05-17T14:35:00.003+10:00

my dreamscape is increasingly filled with an ocean motif. killer whales, fish that change from ugly to menacing and seem to follow me, people falling/jumping off boats into the fathomless deep. i wish i could understand myself. my dreams last night featured biting through someone's finger. the feeling of the bone crunching between my teeth and the give of the flesh. it was in self defense and it was disgusting.

sigh

with bub's night terrors and nightmares she is screaming for mommy 2-3 times a night. bublet is doing better then her big sister, waking only twice lately to eat. i want to fill the time when i actually get to sleep with happy dreams and peace. not people in pieces and menacing seascapes. i feel like my dreams foreshadow a craziness that will come on in older age. i envision myself in a nursing home, dodging killer whales and telling anyone who will listen that that fish is following me. as long as i don't end up biting anyone they might even let me do basket-weaving sometimes.

all we need is just a little patience

2010-04-30T12:36:00.004+10:00

i must have repeated this at least 60 times in the last 10 minutes and still no answer.

do you want pizza, spaghetti or a sandwich for lunch?

if patience is a virtue, then i'm mother fucking theresa today.

wikipedia has this to say about it:

Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

guns n' roses, on the other hand, has this to say:

either way, i think bub counts as a longer-term difficulty. and if things will work out fine with just a little patience, then i owe ya one, axl. everyone together, now: PIZZA, SPAGHETTI OR A GODDAMNED SANDWICH???

they're only little tears, darling. let them spill.

2010-04-29T19:07:00.004+10:00

it seems my skin is getting thinner. like a juicy plum (i'm just as round and fat right now!), a finger will bruise me. every little thing lately makes me want to hang my head and weep. from big to little. bub falls and hits her face on the table. bun falls and cuts his toe. bublet's tummy hurts. i don't watch the news because i can't stand it and i don't feel like having bad dreams every night (this has been going on for more than 20 years for me), yet i still dream. last night that there were dolphins surrounding a boat we were on. i called bub to look and she climbed through the rail and fell in - i was holding bublet and i screamed "jump in and get her, she'll drown!" this is the second time i've dreamed drowning dreams about the babes lately, among other evil dreams involving various hurts.
i'm sick to death of all the hurts around here, however little they are. i'm sick of sickness and i'm sick of sadness. sometimes i feel like i cope well and then there are days like these. mama always said there'd be days like this. but i am mama. and i say no more.

abbatoir blues

2010-04-22T19:14:00.004+10:00

i'm sick of meat. but i am also not making two meals and we seem to be extremely limited lately in what we can have for dinner. i want some vegetarian meals, but bunhead is on a high protein diet (talkin' about a couple cow legs a day, here). he is also on a low potassium/phosphate diet, so that rules out high protein items that are not full of gristle and muscle and (blech) bones. stuff like lentils, beans, milk, cheese, yoghurt, nuts, blah blah blah. so that leaves us with meat. meat, meat and more meat. i feel all boggy and gross. i swear i could eat nothin' but fruit and veggies for a month. plus there's the inherent grotesqueness of eating meat in the first place, which i won't get into here.

so what? so this: i bought an iphone application called menu planner in an effort to liven up our meals and get some variety in there (and some fatty, fatty gristle OUT!). you can enter meals, recipes, etc and it integrates all of that plus a shopping list for as far ahead as you can plan. of course, it would help a lot if we ever went grocery shopping. of course, we could do a lot more grocery shopping if i drove. as it is, we never have any food in the house and, well, it's a bit hard to plan a variety of meals when all you have is jam, lemons and some month-old tortillas.

enter the menu planner! you will solve all of my planning problems, my procrastination and my aversion to more meat. so far, i have managed to not know what to have for dinner tomorrow. i have also managed to think of a few dishes that can easily be meaty and meatless at the same time, such as pizzas (easy!) or salads with or without chicken breast. ok, two meals that can be meatless or not. a little help here? anyone? any ideas that do not involve alternative proteins, dairy products or excessive liquid (bun is not allowed soups or stews 'cause he's on restricted fluids, too - sheesh!) in the meantime, here are some photos of the few foods we had in the house a couple days ago:

bub's dinner:

fattoush yesterday (and a couple lamb chops on the side for bunhead) after stopping in at the grocery on my home from bublet's 6 week check-up:

making pizza dough tonight with the few ingredients still in my cupboard - flour, water, oil and yeast.

bublet asleep

2010-04-18T16:50:00.001+10:00

alba asleep, originally uploaded by bess grant.

i'm already missing this, just looking at the photo. sometimes it's sad that all bublet's "firsts" will also be all the last times we go through each little stage.

there's only one thing that's more exciting than multi-coloured popcorn...

2010-04-12T15:20:00.002+10:00

pooh!, originally uploaded by bess grant.

elvis, keep that pelvis far from me!

2010-04-09T13:35:00.004+10:00

today, (while on my first successful solo mission to the park with the bub and the bublet, i might add), a mom yelled out:

get off there, kegel!

now then; i am a fan of unusual names (as my older sister will tell you in a less diplomatic way, not having approved of any of my choices:), but i had to try very hard not to do a double-take and then turn and stare at the woman who would do something so strange as to name her kid after a pelvic floor exercise. i wonder what her other two kids' names are. unfortunately, they weren't doing anything yell-worthy. i can just picture it. a nice day at the park... kegel gets down off the top of the tube slide, but then - oh no!...

stop it, thrush! be careful, incontinence!

always something there to remind me...

2010-04-06T14:11:00.006+10:00

that being said, she is mostly a sweet little potato.

snuggle bunnies

2010-03-31T14:03:00.005+11:00

yay! i finally finished 2 little finger puppet bunnies for bub's easter basket. now i just need to make one more for my littlest snuggle bublet (not that she'll care this year, but still, we don't want her to feel left out!). here are the bunnies checkin' her out. to make your own, check out the journal at the purl bee.

say like the french say; "bon soir regret"

2010-03-29T10:25:00.006+11:00

i cannot believe how much better i feel post-birth with bublet than i felt with bub. i have more energy than in my last trimester and, although i am feeding her every 2-3 hours 24 hours a day, i feel way less tired than i thought i would. or maybe not less tired, exactly, but way more able to cope. is this because i was prepared for how tired i would be? bublet is 20 days old and i am still feeling euphoric at least 2 or 3 times a day when i look at her pretty little face or see bub give her a (somewhat) gentle hug. all the midwives and early childhood centre people were very careful to point out the phone numbers to call for depression, as they are worried about our friendless, family-less, generally unsupported situation on top of bun's illness. maybe i am counting my chickens before they're hatched, but i feel pretty great.

bun's parents are coming on wednesday for a week (isn't this such a cute photo of them?).

they'll be here for easter and for bub's 3rd birthday and we're having a little bbq with some of her little friends. bub and i have been diligently working on little easter bunnies for nana and grandad which we will fill with chocolate eggs and hide for them.

friday we will decorate easter eggs for the bunny to hide and today i am trying to whip up some cute bunny finger puppets for bub's basket while she's at daycare. at daycare, i might add, with her new best friend, tom! she tells me he eats sand because it tastes good. apparently she thinks so too. i told her not to eat it, but she just says "tom does". hmmm, maybe we can just make a mud pie for them for her birthday and save the cake for us adults.

i won't share you

2010-03-28T19:18:00.001+11:00

funnily enough, the only words on the whole smiths album that bub sings. i guess she can relate.

what's in a name?

2010-03-19T11:58:00.001+11:00

sabrina has asked for the story of alba's name and, since there actually IS one, i am happy to oblige. here is the story from the start...

at 1 pm on tuesday, march 9th i went into labour with alba valentine. at 3:54 pm she was born in the bath tub in the birth centre at the royal prince alfred hospital. she was born "en caul", or in the caul, meaning that the amniotic sac was intact, something that happens an estimated 1 in 1000 births. we stayed in hospital for almost exactly 20 hours and during this whole time, bublet was known as "baby of elizabeth grant". has a certain ring to it, no? no. we got her home and still didn't know what her name was. she just didn't look like any we had in mind (ok, ONE we had in mind). then a friend suggested that we name her something to do with the fact that she was born "en caul".

here are some of the myths associated with being born in the caul:

a sign of good luck
the child will never drown
the child may become a vampire (yikes - i've got a baby bella on my hands??)
the child is destined for greatness
the child will have psychic powers and sees the future

but the best myths are these two:

In Croatian and Slovenian lore, a person born with a caul was destined to become either a Kudlak or a Kresnik. In other words, a person so destined to become a Kudlak would already begin a career of evil while still alive - his soul would leave his body at night in animal form and fly through the air to attack people or to magically do other harm to the community he lived in. When he died, he became an undead vampire who was then an even greater threat to the community. But if a person born with a caul became a Kresnik, he became a champion of the community. While he lived, his soul left his body in animal form at night to fight against both living and undead Kudlaks.*

and

Icelandic culture states a child born with a caul was thought to be special, and this means the child will go through life with a faery companion, a shadow familiar known as the Fylgiar. The Fylgiar serves this person, and it is believed that the person also serves the Fylgiar while asleep or when making deliberate astral projections. This faery can be heard in the home of such a person banging and knocking around. Their most disturbing quality is that they warn their human companions of their own deaths, at which time they can be seen. The condition of the Fylgiar at the time of the sighting indicates what sort of death it will be. A mauled faery means a nasty, painful death, while a peaceful one means a calm, painless death. The Fylgiar continues to live on after the human familiar dies, but it is believed that it accompanies its person to Valhalla, the Nordic Land of the Dead, where it remains until the human soul is comfortable and accepting of his or her demise.*

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caul

it took us a while still, but we knew we had to make sure she was a Kresnik, not a Kudlak (the power of suggestion, you know!) we started looking at white animals, but arctic hare and polar bear didn't really sound so great with grant. bunhead suggested bunny grant, but i think he was joking. and then we decided on alba valentine. alba means white and is the name for scotland in latin (being of the grant clan from aberdeen, we thought this would be fitting, too). it means sunrise in spanish and catalan and its germanic origins come from alb, meaning elf or supernatural being. and valentine? well, valentine is just sweet, like her! now hopefully she'll steer clear of human blood and refrain from stalking the city as some pitch black spirit animal at night. kid needs her sleep!

********

and a timely update from my mama (imagine being born on a ship! maybe then you'd have good luck and be safe from drowning as well):

Alba has ancestors that reflect her name on our side as well and also from aberdeen area --
Her gr gr gr grandmother is of germanic stock (dundas grandpa's mom ) and the original clarkson female from england was actually a spanish maid
Her ancestors on dundas nanny's side are Stewarts and Galbraith's from Scotland. Actually her gr gr gr gr grandmother was born on a ship on her way over from scotland and was named after the ship " Cartha " Stewart (my nanny's grandmother, my gr gr grandma) )

Cartha Morrison STEWART
b. JUN - JUL 1834 aboard the barque Cartha
d. 28 MAY 1882 Beverly Twp. Wentworth Co. , CAN
whose parents were from Campsie parish in Aberdeen area as well

Alba Valentine Grant

2010-03-11T20:30:00.001+11:00

all done!, originally uploaded by bess grant.

the grants (and one kaczynski)

2010-03-05T15:25:00.001+11:00

the grants (and one kaczynski), originally uploaded by bess grant.

i love this photo because of the way nova is looking at andrew.

i saved the pieces (when it broke) and ground them all to dust

2010-03-03T09:21:00.005+11:00

this is one of my favourite photos from the days of living in vancouver over 10 years ago with my ex-boyfriend. we were making a veggie patch. i later ripped the broccoli out in a fit of rage and sorrow, snapping and breaking and crushing it, tears streaming down my face. this photo reminds me of both the good and the sad. it also reminds me that i am happy to have him still in my life and the pieces i saved were worth saving. love you still, pea.

a week until you...

2010-03-01T11:30:00.001+11:00

give or take a few days...

if you think that you're strong enough

2010-02-28T08:22:00.003+11:00

such a bad dream.

so many ways for the social world to collapse, the physical world we've built crumbling around us. running in the dark with my bub clinging to my back, telling her not to cry while we try to escape those who would hurt us if they heard us. looking for daddy, we take a car and drive on the desolate highway, hoping he has gone ahead.

in the front seat beside me, from bub - "do you think daddy is feeling sick?" and i remember that with no power, no medicine and no dialysis, death is a certainty. soon.

i wake up - i am crushed with grief. only to go back to sleep and find that he is gone and i am reliving it in the telling of the story to my best friend, whom i have found after months of searching through wreck and ruin. there are child slaves shuffling past and a sea wall built of broken buildings.

4 1/2 weeks 'til you

2010-02-05T19:50:00.001+11:00

trying to get a photo of belly, originally uploaded by bess grant.

a day in the life...

2010-02-05T19:39:00.004+11:00

today we:

baked cupcakes
made collages
washed the bathroom mirror
saved a beetle from drowning
ate cupcakes
had tea parties
terrorised the beetle we saved by putting it in a bucket
ate homemade pizza for dinner

fragile things

2010-01-26T21:09:00.004+11:00

new year and i have just managed to upload photos at flickr from christmas and stuff. what a busy year already. things to look forward to (and to dread in some ways):

dialysis machine at home instead of hospital
bun being able to swim and shower again!
kidney transplant
new baby
year off work

meanwhile, today is australia day. here are some photos of the beauty that is mine.

koalas aren't rectangles last time i checked

2010-01-26T18:40:00.002+11:00

this from the bun as he sits making a "co-wodge" with bub. lotsa glue and paper shapes.

time is running out, soon a new babe will be on the scene. it's been so hot and i have one extremely swollen right ankle. it's been swollen for months and it's all bruised and weird. have had two ultrasounds on it, but nothin'. they think it might be a hairline fracture in my ankle/foot, but can't x-ray 'cause of baby blue. needless to say, hot, hugely pregnant and sausage foot are not making me happy. but bub and bunhead are. they sound so cute out there in the dining room.

and a letter in your writing doesn't mean you're not dead

2009-12-31T13:29:00.003+11:00

sitting here wishin' on a cement floor

just wishin' that i had just somethin' you wore

i'd put it on when i'm all lonely

will you take off your dress and send it to me?

last day of the year and where am i and what am i doing and where did you all go?

wish you were next to me. wish we were all strolling the streets of toronto, throwing the life ring in and eating ice creams.

i would hunt you down with my fox's eyes and my cat's claws. i would lick your face and dance around your feet. if i was there. if i wasn't oceans away. if time was my father and leisure was my lady.

i wish you'd leave with me

2009-12-15T19:47:00.003+11:00

waking in the night and i can't get back to sleep. all the things going under, on, over, down...

down to the bottom and round on the bottom we go. uh oh.

surgery for bun tomorrow. vein and artery fused together in his arm, preparation for needles, needles everywhere so he can remove all his blood and put it back in by himself at home. needle-phobic, time to get over it. red ribbons spilt to blue, a sight to sore your eyes. love you with every bone in my blood-stained body. baby.

trying to forget...

2009-12-13T20:30:00.005+11:00

i wish my mind was as blank as the screen.

gumnut babies, blossoms and big, bad banksia men

2009-10-23T15:36:00.008+11:00

sometimes i marvel that i live somewhere that looks like this:

besides the beaches, there are the plants that make this place so dream-like. i remember coming to australia for the first time and feeling like i was in a new world, a fantasy land of crazy plants and animals. there are big, purple trees that look like something out of a dr. suess book, a bunch of bottle-brushy flowers hanging from trees, ginger spikes growing 15 feet tall like huge dragon tails, citrus, passion fruit vines, avocados and papaya in front yards. but, uh-oh, then there are the banksias! they look like this when they're past their prime:

and bub is deathly afraid of them. this one's stealing a little gumnut baby.** banksia man image taken from: http://images.absoluteastronomy.com/. ../banksia_man.png

more photos from our picnic at royal national park here

hello, little one!

2009-10-15T20:39:00.000+11:00

so nice to see you (and your healthy kidneys!)

p.s.
that is it's foot up it's nose, not it's hand. scrunchy little monkey.

hello world i'm your wild girl

2009-10-15T17:39:00.008+11:00

let me see, a bumblebee? and a giant slide.

happiness is a french apple tart

2009-10-14T12:12:00.004+11:00

i managed to have a happy thanksgiving after all. seemed there were enough canadians around to enjoy a bbq together. and it gave me an excuse to make taha's favourite french apple tart, which reggie seemingly enjoyed, if the photo is any proof ;)

if you can't guess then i'd better tell you

2009-10-06T18:55:00.002+11:00

*gulp*

that was me swallowing my homesickness when i just saw some recipes for thanksgiving and realised how soon it is. at home. how soon the cold, crispy dawn will break with frost patterns on the windows and the leaves all turning scrispy. the indian corn and pumpkins, the gourds and hallowe'en motifs in the windows and on the sidewalks of roncesvalles.

this year, maybe i have more reason than ever to celebrate thanksgiving. the question is, should i barbecue the turkey?

and p.s.
there is a song that is so super awesome possum. when i was in university, a friend of mine made me a mixed tape of all sorts of folk music and one song's lyrics ran something like this:

corn and potatoes, peanuts, strawberries
who gave them to us?
can anyone tell me?
before columbus, before the pilgrims,
these things and more all came from the indians:
the hopi the haida,
yes yes,
the inca the maya,
yes yes
the arawak the iroquois,
yes yes yes yes yes

there's lots more and i tried to google it to find out the entire lyrics and link to them, but (surprise, surprise!) it seems to be very obscure. i gotta go search for that mixed tape. if i can find it, that'll be another reason to celebrate. if i could find the maker of that tape, andrew whitney wilson, that would be another one. alas, some people seem lost forever.

it's time to...

2009-10-04T09:32:00.002+11:00

welcome the new a.f.i. album. i must needs to buy it today, today!

davey havok. sigh. there's even a church of havok. now if we could get a church of sagan, i might consider being a polytheist.

fashion fades; style is eternal

2009-09-26T16:09:00.002+10:00

red sun rises

2009-09-23T06:30:00.002+10:00

good morning, sydney.
smell in the air of dirt.
my seedlings and half the potting soil blown away.
dust coats the sidewalk and car (and inside my nose).
bub thinks it's pretty. it is.

some more cool photos here

for a change i'll refrain from hiding all of me from you

2009-09-20T19:20:00.003+10:00

do you fall too?
(everytime that I)
yes, I fall.
(everytime that I)
do you want to,
(try to pacify)
fall into me?
(fall into me)
(fall into me)
into me.

we are no one

a little dramatic flare

2009-09-19T20:00:00.002+10:00

people just ain't no good

2009-09-18T16:58:00.003+10:00

no news from the kidney specialist. i guess i was holding out for something more, because the events of the day have left me tired and weepy.

bun's doctor just said that it's early days to see whether the medicine they're giving him is working and that the blood tests indicate nothing has improved. but he says now is the time when the cyclophosphamide should start to work, so he'll see him in a month to see whether there's any change. until then, same 3 days dialysis, same medication (except cutting down on the prednisone so that bun's insomnia can get better). i guess in the grand scheme of things, this is not a long time. one month more until we check in again and some people have been on dialysis for 20 years. i know, because they talk to me in the dialysis unit. of course.

after the appointment i took bub to the park near the hospital and then we went and visited bun in dialysis. when we left, a grubby old fat man called me a "fucking breeder" and when i told him where he could go he proceeded to hurl abuse at me. honestly, where do these people suppose THEY came from? gah! their poor mothers. while i can understand not wanting to have kids or wishing so many people didn't, it does seem like something you could keep to yourself in the presence of strangers. had to get on a jam-packed bus, fold up the stroller and drop the change on the floor. just like a fucking breeder, eh? then upon getting off the bus, bub chanted the whole way home "where's daddy. i want daddy. i want daddy. i want daddy. now. now. now."

as soon as i got in the door i let the tears i was holding back behind my sunglasses flow. stupid day.

you're not rid of me

2009-09-17T21:07:00.004+10:00

oh, pj. i loved you and i love you still. formative heart of my heart, my guide in dark spaces of teenaged boredom and angry early 20's. delightful, phenomenal, tiny little wonder.

check it!

juliette lewis, whom i've admired since her performance in kalifornia, does a super cover in strange days. it's a good movie if you haven't seen it. a little strange and scary, but there you go. it's juliette lewis, what do you expect?

check it!

i could watch interviews with her all day long and i never want to be rid of her

ch-check it out!

i'll make like i'm a little deer grazing among the flowers

2009-09-11T15:57:00.003+10:00

needing a holiday is something that has been happening for some months now. taking a holiday isn't. but this weekend, things are going to change. what with the need for bun to go to the hospital downtown 3 days a week, the weekends are really the only time we have for each other and bub. no work. no hospital. mini-holidays, here we go! no doing laundry, no grocery shopping.

first stop - wollemi national park, saturday and sunday. this is the first time we've taken bub camping. she's excited and already planning what to bring (well, right now she is in the bathroom, repeatedly washing her face, brushing her teeth and scrubbing at the sink with a facecloth - i keep asking her if she's okay and she says "yeah, i'm okay! i'm not sick!") obsessive compulsive, yes. sick, no. fine by me. on the list of essentials:

- a big purple ball

when i ask her what else she is going to bring she says "i don't know". i guess it's up to me to sort out the sleeping and eating bit. she's sorted out the game of catch. nice one, bub.

i try hard not to shock you (it's hard not to, with the things i could say)

2009-09-09T20:29:00.004+10:00

i don't know why the pet shop boys "so hard" is in my head lately, but - she-ZAM! it's a great song.

see?
and one of the best lines ever:

we've both given up smoking 'cause it's fatal, so whose matches are those?

today we didn't get wet on the picking bub up from daycare adventure on the train and the train and the bus. instead, we forgot our house keys. instead, we had to go get bub on the train, take the train past where we needed to go to connect to another train to get to the dialysis unit at the hospital to pick up house keys from bun. on the way, a man stopped me on the street to ask me what it means when a woman says she "only loves you because you're the father of her kids"? this resulted in much discussion and me trying to be nice while also trying to extricate myself from a potentially long-winded and eventually emotional escapade. apparently they have been married for 22 years. in the end he thanked me for talking and decided to keep walking because it helps clear his head. okay. mobile counseling unit career, here i come. i have been trying to see the tattoo on my forehead that says "TALK TO ME" since my late teens now. no luck. everyone else can see it.

on the way (the first train), the bub decided to take a huge poop in her pants, resulting in the smelliest journey EVER. trying to travel light since the train stations all consist of ten million stairs and NO lifts, i neglected to bring a diaper and wipes from her daycare bag. i had to stop and buy some on the way, resulting in a whole pack of diapers to carry. sigh. sigh. double sigh. stick a needle in my eye. ew, no! don't! i just got carried away with rhyming. it won't happen again.

in the end, we just stayed at the hospital and ate in the cafeteria, since bun only had an hour and a half left and it would have taken as much to get home. 8:30 pm and i'm home. on the plus side, bunhead is down one of his meds (for blood pressure) and we got to go out to a snazzy dinner last night with some highly respected coworkers from canada and the uk who we haven't seen in a while. yay for my brother being in sydney. i'm gonna trade him dinners for babysitting since his apartment only has a hotplate.

looka yonder - a big black cloud come

2009-09-07T19:32:00.002+10:00

guess who got to try out bringing bub home on the train and the other train and the bus tonight? bub stayed dry. i got wet. but we made it home while the streets ran like rivers and the day turned dark as night.

tell me why don't we try not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves

2009-09-06T07:36:00.000+10:00

it's father's day in australia. i wanted so much for things to be perfect and for the day to be relaxing for bunhead. therefore, i should never, EVER have attempted to make poached eggs. i hate poached eggs. i hate eating them, i hate the way they look like googly eyes and i hate, hate, hate (read "cannot for the life of me") make them. i also hate the woman on youtube who had a video up on how to make them and made it look so easy. screw you, poachy poach woman.

needless to say, i was a stressed-out wreck, swearing at eggs, almost in tears and bun was insisting he didn't even want poached eggs anymore (which, of course, made me more angry). at one point, i believe i wailed "no wonder you don't love me as much anymore - i can't even poach an egg!!" is being pregnant enough of an excuse to be such an emotional idiot?
i managed in the end and bun ate three poached eggs, some homemade cheddar tea biscuits (which bub helped make), smoked salmon and freshly squeezed orange juice, all in his new bath robe!

thank carl things got better after that. we went to bunnings (that's home depot, canadian peeps) and got lots of seeds and plants and stuff for our summer garden. we ripped out all the arugala and lettuces that were going to seed (and ended up with a ginormous bowl of swiss chard and spinach - i'll have to invite popeye for dinner, check out the photos below!) planted in beans and carrots and tomatoes, strawberries, cucumber, peppers, hot peppers, lobelia and more parsley. the coriander is going gangbusters and so is the nasturtium. my beets were bust, though. they didn't do NOTHIN'!

bun grilled rump steak and we had salad and steak and baked potatoes, which was a much bigger success than those damned eggs. now bub is abed and we get to watch prison break (season 4, oh how you give me heart attacks!)

bun and bub, being fatherly and daughterly and a big bowl o' green stuff

but we were never holding back, wishing that time would come to an end

i have felt lately, though, that bun and i are not as close as we were in the beginning. actually, it's more like we're too close and we don't try to impress each other anymore or go out of our way to say and do nice things for each other (oh! wait!! this is called "taking each other for granted, isn't it? how cliché). i'm sure some people would say that this is inevitable after 10 years, but i don't think so. and i think it's something we need to correct. i'm already emotional because of pregnancy and tiredness and generally being stressed out about bun's kidney failure, but it doesn't help when we make it so hard for ourselves.

see? we can be nice.

red ribbons spilt to blue a sight to sore your eyes

2009-09-03T20:11:00.000+10:00

one two three four
i declare a life war

past 2 weeks:
bun went into the hospital with a low haemoglobin and came out with acute kidney failure, 13 different prescription medications, two giant tubes leading into his jugular vein, an impending kidney transplant and 3 days a week spent at the hospital on dialysis from now 'til who knows when?

i passed the first trimester with second baby, who i hardly ever think of except when it makes me feel sick.

i need to hire 20 staff in a week to take care of our christmas production.

what's new, pussycat?

abcd... doublewee

2009-06-20T15:10:00.003+10:00

bub has learned her abc's and can count to 10! she says "doublewee" instead of "w" and slurs some of the lmnop's together, but i'm proud anyhow!

and then there's this - the best thing ever!

2009-05-27T19:56:00.002+10:00

our own little radish grown and picked by our own little sprout!

i move stealthily from tree to tree. i shadow you for hours.

2009-05-24T15:28:00.003+10:00

the sun is shining and the bees are buzzing and the world is lutzing on its triple axle.
and the baby's sleeping and the birds are peeping and the garden's growing like the full moon.

on the prowl

2009-05-10T16:21:00.002+10:00

on the prowl, originally uploaded by bess grant.

miss you, too...

rainbow over burrard inlet

2009-05-10T16:20:00.002+10:00

rainbow over burrard inlet, originally uploaded by bess grant.

miss you.

there's a devil crawling along your floor

2009-05-02T14:20:00.005+10:00

it grosses me out that metallica covered loverman. i haven't listened to it, but i am 99.9% sure that they must have wrecked it. i don't think anyone has a chance at improving a nick cave song. don't believe me? watch it.

the bub has begun abc swimming lessons at the pool near our place. she used to love it at the y when she was 6-8 months old. now she wants to cry because she's the only one in the class and the swimming instructor (who shall be referred to as "the bearded lady" from hereon in") is totally full-on and a bit frightening and bub doesn't know who the heck she is or why she's trying to get her away from her daddy. i'm glad the bearded lady changed her tactics at swimming lessons today. she was much kinder and has decided that all bub needs is time. to this end, she walked up and down the pool with bub clinging to her with the saddest face in the world, telling bub "i love you" and bouncing her. she also told me that bub's tendency to hold her crying in is going to damage her and that i should "be very careful"... while i admit to the strangeness of a 2 year old being so extremely stoic, it's also not like the bub holds any other emotion in check. she cries plenty still, has her share of whining, dancing with glee, yelling for fun and lashing out when angry. so i dunno if it's really something i should be worrying about. the bub is just a toughie - what can i say? she laughs when she falls down most of the time and she likes being scared. oh! which reminds me! i was so proud when the bub went on her first rollercoaster a couple weekends ago at the royal easter show. she was about 1/8th of an inch over the height requirement to go on with an adult, but you couldn't even see her in the seat, unless the coaster tipped. check it out!

i LOVE that photo! after she got off, she was all giggles and said she was going on again. we thought it might be a bit much, though, and headed to the carousel for a quieter ride. thanks to erika for the photos.

our smallest adventures

2009-04-30T20:16:00.004+10:00

my sweetness sent me an email. he said:

brent sent me this and said "a song about bess".

how cute. oh, how cute he is.

and away to london he goes, where he will be recognised as the most brilliant of all the brilliance in the sky.

and, oh, love believe we could be complete...

i'm so tired of playing with this bow and arrow

2009-04-25T20:23:00.009+10:00

the last month has been so happy, so stressful, so BIG. work is such a joke, it seems like the biggest bog down in the history of shitfuck. no light at the end of that sewage tunnel. but at least i got erika out here to help me out and share the aggravation. now she's leaving. too soon. too, too soon.

look at her beautiful self on the plane to melbourne:

in other exciting facets of my life (ok, shopping...), look what i got in chinatown!

my favourite letter paper is the one that says the space ship leaves from the south gate (or, to be precise - "the departure for space journey is at south gate"). that, and the one that says "i'm dreaming of having a fish". dude - who isn't??

then i scored big. three italo calvino and two haruki murakami books for under $100. mmmmmm....

today i found this painting that i LOVE LOVE LOVE. space kangaroos!! the story is printed on the back of the canvas.

easter bonnet or space helmet?

2009-04-18T19:18:00.001+10:00

easter bonnet or space helmet?, originally uploaded by bess grant.

you just keep me hangin' on

2009-03-25T20:28:00.000+11:00

lightning flashes and thunder rumbles - the dynamic skies of the day on which i was born. nature loves me today.

in the gathering storm

2009-03-22T14:41:00.003+11:00

crustacean liberation

2009-03-22T02:34:00.000+11:00

things are much too weird around here sometimes. taha gave the bub a cd for her 1st birthday (or maybe it was a going away gift) and it's called "best animal songs" and now bub is learning to laugh like a kookaburra. she sounds like a mad scientist with her forced giggles. and i have to wonder about the name of the cd, as well. since when is "old macdonald had a zoo - shooby dooby doo" a "best animal song"?? it's a bastardisation. not a best. i should know, because i've had many hours to listen and critique the entire album. if i have to hear someone sing "chick chick chick chick chicken, lay another egg for me!" one more stupid time, i will lay an egg myself. an ANGRY, INSANE egg! to make matters worse, the bunhead has been going around singing "old macdonald had a dog and bingo was his name, oh! e-i-n-g-o! e-i-n-g-o! e-i-n-g-o! and bingo was his name-o!" what is wrong with my family? seriously.

bub has also developed hypochondriasis, seemingly overnight. while she always had an ouchie knee if she fell, this has now progressed to the following litany of hurts, sometimes daily:

"mummy, ma back 'urting"
"mummy, ouchie knee"
"ma arm 'urting, mummy"
"ow, ma yeg 'urting"
"ma 'ead 'urting, too, mummy"
"ma teef ah 'urting"
"mummy, ma peet. ma peet 'urting"

*sigh* not even two years old and ready for the nursing home.

in other weirdness, not to do with my family (for once) has a group of buddhists liberating the annual crab catch in sydney. this has been dubbed a "crustacean liberation" (not to be confused with the crustacean commotion, which sounds vastly inferior and has the slogan "rehab the crab", which makes it sound like the poor things have had a little too much cooking wine. what have they been getting those pincers stuck into?

sweetheart, come to me

2009-03-14T13:36:00.002+11:00

this is fun

2009-02-20T19:58:00.003+11:00

months and months of living without our stuff was pretty crappy. this is better, but still crappy.

between the devil and the deep blue sea

2009-01-17T08:33:00.006+11:00

here they are, lisa. your directions! i'll expect you in... oh, say, 54 days and 13 hours.

View Larger Map

click on "View Larger Map" to view the driving (or should I say kayaking?) directions. sorry about all the toll roads in japan. and there are those parts where you have to "kayak across pacific ocean". but, hey - easy as pie, right? see you soon!

wowsers!

2009-01-16T13:28:00.007+11:00

remember that?

anyway, that's not what i'm talkin' about. it's hot. always. it's always hot down here, which is driving me a bit crazy... i know, i know - back to back summers, who am i to complain while you shovel your car out from under ten feet of snow and slip on the ice that your neighbour neglected to salt. i am an asshole. but it's so damned hot all the time! it brings out my asshole tendencies. i sit at my desk (which is a rarity in itself) at work and sweat dribbles down from inside my elbows and knees. this is not comfortable. 45 degree workplaces are not good. sorry. it's my day off and i'm probably already sunburnt from sitting near the window.

in less annoyingly complaining news: we found a house to rent! too bad it's $2250/month. that's the downside (and that does not include electricity, water, phone, internet, tv or gas), but the upsides are here:

http://www.domain.com.au/Public/PropertyDetails.aspx?adid=5961669 (sorry, you'll have to copy and paste since it's archived and that's because i rented it!)

it's got a backyard! bub can have a wade in a blow-up pool while we eat barbecued things. awesome. we had to sign a three year lease to get this place. three years?? who the hell signs a three year lease? us, that's who. and the reason is that the rental market in this city is not good for renters. it makes me very sad to be paying rent again after owning our house in vancouver, but if the rent is that high here, you can imagine housing prices.

other extremely noteworthy occurrences:
- my eyes are tired (it's too hot!)
- i always say to myself "remember that you put that pizza (cake, muffins, chicken, whatever) in the oven and then run over way later when i smell burning. i'm too young for that kind of thing, aren't i? AREN'T I???
- i can't find a yoga dvd to save my life (and my weight) here. what's up with that, fat, unbendy australia??
- i love you. googoogajoob.

mrs. beeton's very good seed cake

2009-01-07T18:55:00.004+11:00

This is from Mrs. Beeton's Cookbook of Household Management, as requested by lovely Lisa. Nice one, Mrs. Beeton!

INGREDIENTS - 1 lb. of butter, 6 eggs, 3/4 lb. of sifted sugar, pounded mace and grated
nutmeg to taste, 1 lb. of flour, 3/4 oz. of caraway seeds, 1 wineglassful of brandy.

Mode - Beat the butter to a cream; dredge in the flour; add the sugar, mace, nutmeg, and caraway
seeds, and mix these ingredients well together. Whisk the eggs, stir to them the brandy, and beat
the cake again for 10 minutes. Put it into a tin lined with buttered paper, and bake it from 1-1/2
to 2 hours. This cake would be equally nice made with currants, and omitting the caraway seeds.

Time - 1-1/2 to 2 hours.
Average cost, 2s. 6d.
Seasonable at any time.

MODERN INSTRUCTIONS!
1. Pre-heat the oven to 170C/325F/gas mark 3 and grease and line a
7" (18cm) to 8" (20cm) round cake tin.
2. Cream the butter with the sugar and then sift in the flour.
3. Add the mace, nutmeg and caraway seeds and mix together well.
(Add the chopped candied peel if using at this stage as well).
4. Stir in the whisked eggs and the brandy.
5. Beat the cake again for 2 to 3 minutes, until very smooth and with
no lumps.
6. Pour the mixture into a tin lined with buttered paper.
7. Bake it for 1½ to 2 hours, until a skewer comes out clean when
tested, and the cake is well risen, firm and golden brown.

mama's little baby loves shortenin' bread

2009-01-05T20:21:00.004+11:00

i was inspired by lisa to make a cake in the shape of a "keep it fluffy". i thought her lush-ous photo was of a moon cake, even though i've worked at lush for almost ten years and it's not mid-autumn. my mind is melding with the monotony of routine rhythm and real estate and dinner-making-dishes-doing-grocery-shopping-laundry-washing-daycare-dropping everyday life and that's my excuse. IT'S MY EXCUSE. LISA!!!

anyhow, this here's a very good seed cake. mrs. beeton's very good seed cake, to be exact. it calls for 6 eggs and a pound of butter and it claims to be good for digestion due to the addition of 2 tablespoons of caraway seeds. heart attack with seeds. delicious.

nova

2009-01-03T20:10:00.003+11:00

the bunhead's mum is beautiful. now. and then. i found this photo stuck in one of the albums at their house over christmas. she's sitting at a christmas party. she says she wasn't bored. she is 26 and hasn't met the bun's dad yet. i wonder what she was thinking about.

this photo makes me wish my mom was here, too. i would drink tea and look at old photos with her.

i got my smile!

2009-01-01T21:31:00.003+11:00

35 degrees on new year's day.
a pine-lime popsicle for bub. a slurpee for me and bun. a walk to the park and a play in the sand.
first song i listened to in 2009:

so cool. and you, my loves? what did you do? whatcha doin'?

bah humbug!

2008-12-23T22:12:00.002+11:00

click on the photo to enlarge the offense my evil mama committed.
no more maple leaves in the mail, mama. sorry. quarantine says so. they destroyed the leaves and the bub's card won't sing either. seriously serious australians.

merry christmas to the one i love

2008-12-23T22:07:00.003+11:00

poor old jenny. how i loves her.
i asked her the other night whether she would rather have her own bed in her old age and so slow the rapid degeneration and stuffing loss, or whether she would like to stay with me in my bed and possibly disintegrate. she wants to stay put. and i'm relieved, because i think i couldn't stand the empty spot where she's been cuddled for 26 years.

goodnight, jenny. i loves you. no matter what meanies say about you.

merry christmas from a hot santa

2008-12-23T21:49:00.005+11:00

bub got a book from santa at playgroup. he must have been roasting.

she wore katie's hat and held ugly doll (who she has named "baby"):

we got her a truck for christmas, but we can't bring it to melbourne tomorrow on the plane, so she got it early. she also opened her presents from auntie sara and uncle beau (LOVE THEM!!! i think sara bought them for me... i want to steal them - they are charlie and lola dolls) and auntie nikki and uncle terry (she's scared of super grover, but that may be because bun made him jump out of the box at her. she likes the buttons on the keys, though!)

LISA!!! i criez!

2008-12-19T21:18:00.003+11:00

more animals

more animals

lovin' don't pay the bills

2008-12-19T20:45:00.004+11:00

here's a weird question:

how can i raise just over $3000? the easy answer is that i could just use my own money, but, unfortunately, this is a case where that wouldn't be appropriate. the money has to be de-personalised, so to speak, so that the people it's intended for will take it for its intended purpose. mysterious, huh?
help me! now!