Friday, 25 May 2012

everything i've ever done everything i'll ever do everyplace i've ever been everywhere i'm going to...

last weekend i got to go to a christening. while i myself have not a religious bone in my body, i married a boy who went to a catholic all boys high school, which means that some members of his family are religious and some are more religious than others. and that means that i occasionally get to attend really boring religious ceremonies that numb my brain, make me feel uncomfortable and generally reconfirm my understanding that i would be happier hitting myself in the head with a brick than subscribing to any organized set of beliefs.

as if the jehovah's witnesses have heard my blasphemous thoughts, they have tracked me down and sniffed out my sin. they know i'm here in my little log cabin and they probably think i'm a ripe-for-the-picking hillbilly housewife. i gladly accept their awake! magazine because it lights a nice fire. i don't get a newspaper, so i need something to burn besides all those drawings of me shoving things up a chicken's butt.* so I don't really mind them, except when they think that reading scripture is gonna bring me closer to converting. dude, the bible may be THE good book, but i've read that shit and it's not A good book. they always expect i haven't read the bible, but sucks to you, witnesses! the bagvhad gita is a way better read and krishna a much more endearing hero with his mischievousness and his universe-holding mouth. and all this religious stuff just serves to confirm to me is that you're afraid to die. while i, too, am afraid of dying, it's somewhere buried in the back of my head and i don't really feel like i should dwell on it that much. next time the witnesses come, i might give them a copy of the bagvhad gita. just for comparison.

but back to the christening! yes! it was short, though not really sweet. that was a blessing. the worst part was trying to figure out what, as a heathen, to write in the card. you can't write anything religious because then you're just being a weird hypocrite. some ideas bunhead and i had:

"see you in hell.". i know, i know - it sounds awful. but it is the most probable outcome for the kid, seeing as how her parents aren't really practicing catholics and don't go to church, etc. so in all likelihood she won't practice catholicism either. and obviously me and bunhead are going to hell.

"may you walk in the shadow of the lord forever" too creepy, although apt.

"may you enjoy a long life of sin and then be forgiven". being catholic does have its perks!

in the end, we opted for the benign "congratulations. we are very happy we got to be with you on this special day", which was at least as true as the other ideas.

*no, really. let me explain. as a hillbilly housewife, i occasionally roast a chicken and vegetables for bunhead. when i do, bub takes great delight in making multiple drawings of me shoving garlic up said chicken's cloaca. i wish i could show you one of these masterpieces, but it's cold out and i've burned them.


melanie said...

We don't get invited to the religious ceremonies of the Mister's family anymore. I think the last one was when we were invited to his oldest nephew's First Communion and bought him a card with Buddha on it and wrote "Know your options" inside.

desdemona said...

ha! that's perfect. simple and to the point. I wish I had the guts!

Steff Worden said...

I hope they provided you with substantial food and drinks on the day