take me anywhere, i don't care

bunhead, originally uploaded by bess grant.

"and if a double decker bus
crashes into us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die.
and if a ten tonne truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well, the pleasure the privilege is mine"

don't die before me, bun, 'cause you're the bestest thing

bamboozlin'

it's too cute!
if the oven here didn't burn everything on top and leave it raw in the middle; if i had any of my own cookware or even a pan that was ovenproof; if i had any gumption to do anything except get rid of this damned cold - i might try it out.

love letter, go tell her

i got your letter in the mail and it melted me. even though i had read it already, it made it all the sweeter to have it in your handwriting. and the notes from everyone else confirmed the fact that no one can be you guys. we might make an island over here and it might turn into something that's not drowning in the swamp, but it feels like it will always be survivor australia. i'm staggered at how quickly things go down the counter-clockwise drain. the apartment is an ungodly mess. there is yoghurt congealing in bowls, with cereal slowly turning to sponge on top. toys lay scattered about and the dishes stew in the sink in well-meant (but now frigid) water. kleenex crumples squat on top of counters and wet towels lump around the bathroom floor.

at work there is no one to do experiments with. there is a sad lack of starburst to experiment on and no one willing to indulge me anyway. no one to raise eyebrows at over the cubicle wall or cry with laughter at the catz. i miss the shitty lumps of bubble bar tracked all over my carpet and mouncy's bouncy hair. i miss ian's soapy genitalia and graham's messy desk, mike's bagel train going off the rails every damned day and jillybean phoning all the "dears" in the world in one day. i've had to sequester myself in an office where there is no one else, just so i can play music (and not weird anyone out - i'm totally not feeling it over here and have had to keep a cap on my madness, which we all know will lead to more madness). lisa, lisa appletree, come save me from myself and the upside-downers!

i'm getting overwhelmed

a hot bath helps a little and the arrival of some of our belongings helps a little, too. but the waking at night has started, stopped, and now begins again. hazy shadows at the edge of my mind blur and fade on waking. circular thoughts keep me from sleeping when i should and my throat hurts, my nose runs. bone tired, bones aching. i feel like i'm swimming against a tide that won't turn. the whole force of the sea wants to swallow me and i never learned how to swim.

good things come in greasy packages

mmmm, originally uploaded by bess grant.

pat it and roll it and mark it with a "b"

i made the bub some playdough. we made some yellow tortillas. she tried to eat them.






playdough recipe

1 cup flour
1 cup water
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 cup salt
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
food colouring

- place all ingredients in a pot and stir until well-blended
- cook over medium heat until thick
- remove from heat, knead to get out all lumps
- let cool, store in an airtight container in the fridge

in a case like this i'll get away with it

i'm not one for risqué photos, but this one i like. my poor bub is being a stranger. she has never wanted to come in the shower - she hates it. she's a bath taker. but today she is like a little monkey, clinging to me, no matter where. she stayed here for 20 minutes and i'm pretty sure she fell asleep at one point.



i hope it's her teeth or a result of her last immunisations. i feel guilty somehow, like she has turned into this clingy baby because i brought her here, so far from what she knew. so far from her little friends at daycare and her beloved marina, who taught her how to make playdough tortillas, ask for "agua" and "mas" and took her to story time. i go to work on tuesday for the first time, so hopefully we'll establish a new routine. hopefully my little bubbly bub will reappear soon. in the meantime, i will carry my little monkey with me.

AHA!

thanks for that, justjenn. it made my day. which wasn't really bad so much as it was long.

wait for the subtitles. i guarantee it - hilarity ensues.

what? WHAT??!

i get this email from some child centre or something every time the bub makes it another month and it tells me what she's doing (which i already know, since i am here and so is she). it also tells me what i should do if i want her to sleep, eat, play, learn, etc, just in case i haven't figured any of that out in the year and a half that we've been together...
i used to enjoy this email when she was still on the inside, because i couldn't actually tell what she was doing in there, you know? it was good to have someone to let me in on it all. but once she was on the outside, things were different. now i have constant reminders of how toddlers don't always sleep well, even if they did before. i know that their tastes aren't consistent day to day, and i sure as hell am aware that she likes to make a mess. so why, you might ask (or you might not really care, which is much more likely, but let's pretend here for the sake of this blog and my sanity); why do i bother to continue to allow these people to tell me about the rather mundane aspects of my life, when there is so much cool stuff that the bub is doing that i don't need to read about? well, check this out. this is from a wonderful little gem that comes along with these emails - parental comments and questions! take a deep breath and get serious, people, 'cause this is an extremely urgent question requiring expert advice:

I would like to know how important is it to cut the childs hair to almost baldness, even after first hair shaving ceremony is done ritually. I am enquiring as I am of the view that at this age of 18 months baby is highly active , inquisitive and becomes naughty that it is out of reach of parents, especially when we are working. Thus, if the baby falls while doing some mischief he should directly not be hurt on the head and hair definately act as a protective shield. Kindly give your expert comments on this.

what? WHAT??!! as if i was unaware of this magic halo of head protection amongst our children! who could disagree that 18 month olds are naughty (especially when we're at work) and that they should directly not be hurt on the head as a result of this naughtiness? not i. hear that, nature? hear that, fate? hear that, physics? he; i repeat HE SHOULD DIRECTLY NOT BE HURT ON THE HEAD! this is an order. but, in the evil event that the furies are not listening, at least my child has hair. so she will definitely have protection. a protective shield, if you like. yes indeed. she is doubly protected because i neglected to perform the ritual hair shaving ceremony the first time. i obviously also need to know how important it is to cut the child's hair almost to baldness, since this didn't even cross my mind before. damn! am i defying the gods by not performing the ritual, or am i instinctively evading the dangers of a head injury, gods be damned?

sadly, no one has replied to this poor person's queries. not even the experts. at least i now understand why bald men feel the need to fix this. and here i thought it had something to do with ego. silly me.

my theory isn't perfect, but it's close

sand, originally uploaded by bess grant.

tell me why you cry

tell me why you cry, originally uploaded by bess grant.

and do you have a vacancy for a back scrubber?

a bubble bath:







and a warm towel:

in the smallest sliver of the waning winter moon

glow, originally uploaded by bess grant.

the 35 degree heat of this afternoon has melted to a mellow 32 degrees and the moon is smiling at the night. the golden glow on the horizon feels as warm as the darkness on my skin.