what? WHAT??!

i get this email from some child centre or something every time the bub makes it another month and it tells me what she's doing (which i already know, since i am here and so is she). it also tells me what i should do if i want her to sleep, eat, play, learn, etc, just in case i haven't figured any of that out in the year and a half that we've been together...
i used to enjoy this email when she was still on the inside, because i couldn't actually tell what she was doing in there, you know? it was good to have someone to let me in on it all. but once she was on the outside, things were different. now i have constant reminders of how toddlers don't always sleep well, even if they did before. i know that their tastes aren't consistent day to day, and i sure as hell am aware that she likes to make a mess. so why, you might ask (or you might not really care, which is much more likely, but let's pretend here for the sake of this blog and my sanity); why do i bother to continue to allow these people to tell me about the rather mundane aspects of my life, when there is so much cool stuff that the bub is doing that i don't need to read about? well, check this out. this is from a wonderful little gem that comes along with these emails - parental comments and questions! take a deep breath and get serious, people, 'cause this is an extremely urgent question requiring expert advice:

I would like to know how important is it to cut the childs hair to almost baldness, even after first hair shaving ceremony is done ritually. I am enquiring as I am of the view that at this age of 18 months baby is highly active , inquisitive and becomes naughty that it is out of reach of parents, especially when we are working. Thus, if the baby falls while doing some mischief he should directly not be hurt on the head and hair definately act as a protective shield. Kindly give your expert comments on this.

what? WHAT??!! as if i was unaware of this magic halo of head protection amongst our children! who could disagree that 18 month olds are naughty (especially when we're at work) and that they should directly not be hurt on the head as a result of this naughtiness? not i. hear that, nature? hear that, fate? hear that, physics? he; i repeat HE SHOULD DIRECTLY NOT BE HURT ON THE HEAD! this is an order. but, in the evil event that the furies are not listening, at least my child has hair. so she will definitely have protection. a protective shield, if you like. yes indeed. she is doubly protected because i neglected to perform the ritual hair shaving ceremony the first time. i obviously also need to know how important it is to cut the child's hair almost to baldness, since this didn't even cross my mind before. damn! am i defying the gods by not performing the ritual, or am i instinctively evading the dangers of a head injury, gods be damned?

sadly, no one has replied to this poor person's queries. not even the experts. at least i now understand why bald men feel the need to fix this. and here i thought it had something to do with ego. silly me.