Monday, 4 February 2013

the only one for me is you, and you for me

my boredom with myself knows no bounds. does anyone know how bored it is possible to be when you're as boring as me?

where have you gone, girl who tapes your head together to keep from cracking?
where are you, girl who wears glitter glue on your eyelids and feathers in your hair?
where have you gone, girl who used to have an opinion on things that did not relate to raising children?

do all mothers' demented, deranged, delightful and delirious selves wilt with the dawn of their egotistical, enchanting little identity-eaters?

i need to find you, me. we need to have a picnic under a tree. i'll bring you. you bring me. agreed?

Sunday, 30 September 2012

in the sepulchre of my heart

here are some things to think about. or not.

yelling "you need to change your life! you need to get fit! get off your fat ass!" at yourself, aggressively, as you climb the stairs, is not as motivating as you might think.

if you have an inferiority complex, you suck.

fuck. off. dreams.

if you have a haircut/style you really like and if the hair stylist who did that cut for you recommends someone else in a different city that you happen to move to, you should go with the recommendation. needless to say, a photo of my blue rinse will not be forthcoming.

and that's it, that's it, that's all there is. don't tell me you thought there'd be something more after a 4 month hiatus. i kinda thought you knew me better than that.

Friday, 25 May 2012

everything i've ever done everything i'll ever do everyplace i've ever been everywhere i'm going to...

last weekend i got to go to a christening. while i myself have not a religious bone in my body, i married a boy who went to a catholic all boys high school, which means that some members of his family are religious and some are more religious than others. and that means that i occasionally get to attend really boring religious ceremonies that numb my brain, make me feel uncomfortable and generally reconfirm my understanding that i would be happier hitting myself in the head with a brick than subscribing to any organized set of beliefs.

as if the jehovah's witnesses have heard my blasphemous thoughts, they have tracked me down and sniffed out my sin. they know i'm here in my little log cabin and they probably think i'm a ripe-for-the-picking hillbilly housewife. i gladly accept their awake! magazine because it lights a nice fire. i don't get a newspaper, so i need something to burn besides all those drawings of me shoving things up a chicken's butt.* so I don't really mind them, except when they think that reading scripture is gonna bring me closer to converting. dude, the bible may be THE good book, but i've read that shit and it's not A good book. they always expect i haven't read the bible, but sucks to you, witnesses! the bagvhad gita is a way better read and krishna a much more endearing hero with his mischievousness and his universe-holding mouth. and all this religious stuff just serves to confirm to me is that you're afraid to die. while i, too, am afraid of dying, it's somewhere buried in the back of my head and i don't really feel like i should dwell on it that much. next time the witnesses come, i might give them a copy of the bagvhad gita. just for comparison.

but back to the christening! yes! it was short, though not really sweet. that was a blessing. the worst part was trying to figure out what, as a heathen, to write in the card. you can't write anything religious because then you're just being a weird hypocrite. some ideas bunhead and i had:

"see you in hell.". i know, i know - it sounds awful. but it is the most probable outcome for the kid, seeing as how her parents aren't really practicing catholics and don't go to church, etc. so in all likelihood she won't practice catholicism either. and obviously me and bunhead are going to hell.

"may you walk in the shadow of the lord forever" too creepy, although apt.

"may you enjoy a long life of sin and then be forgiven". being catholic does have its perks!

in the end, we opted for the benign "congratulations. we are very happy we got to be with you on this special day", which was at least as true as the other ideas.

*no, really. let me explain. as a hillbilly housewife, i occasionally roast a chicken and vegetables for bunhead. when i do, bub takes great delight in making multiple drawings of me shoving garlic up said chicken's cloaca. i wish i could show you one of these masterpieces, but it's cold out and i've burned them.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

my mind is on the blink

oh, yes. cough your little lungs out all night and then, when you finally stop and go to sleep, i'll start hacking! isn't that a good idea? we'll be the super elite chronic cough club and together we will ensure that i get no sleep. ever!
and then in the morning, bunhead will accuse me of maliciously moving one of his letters from the bank to a secret location and leaving the other one where he put it. because that's what i do. i stay at home and wreak havoc by moving pieces of post. because i have nothing better to do. and then when he finds it - where he put it - it will probably be because my evil mind control techniques took over his little brain and made him move it and then erased his memory. 'cause that's how i roll.
now excuse me while i vomit from exhaustion and hide the electric bill.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

to our love a valentine of blood

happy that i am not one of the lovers out looking for love, on the singles scene, scopin' you out.
happy that the bunhead's blood stays put in its package, not pumped through plastic.
happy that babies are on their way and they're not mine.


lately i don't have the gumption to talk to you or to try to tell you what it's all about and what's been going on. partly because there's too much that's happened and then i'm all gonna be novella-ing up in your face. the amount of shit that changes around here makes for part 3 of my autobiography. recently i ordered roughing it in the bush by susanna moodie and that's because i live in a log cabin with a fireplace for heat and magpies perch outside on my wheelbarrow, looking in my window. i might have a hoedown if i weren't so tired from drying out bread by the fire and bashing it into crumbs just to make part of dinner.

so... yeah. things to look forward to:
interstellar space travel
the success of SETI
a house to live in
becoming an art therapist
driving like a motherfucking gas guzzling suburbanite

Thursday, 9 February 2012

the evolution of self esteem (or, "why i change my hair so often")

the newest incarnation of the blue hair style (first photo).
they say getting a new hairstyle is highly stressful. i remember crying over a certain haircut. god, it was awful. and a long time ago, thank goodness. since then, i've come to understand that hair really does grow back and nothing lasts forever. although the dreads did have a run of seven years. way to go, dreads! the only surviving one is somewhere in europe - what?












Saturday, 31 December 2011

if you know what life is worth

here's to hoping all the silly little things get resolved, the sickness goes away, the sadness doesn't stay, the universe expands, the lizards lay in the sun and all the days of our lives are lived with nothing bigger to worry about than the everyday and the minor catastrophes.

'cause when another year turns and you're on the brink of another great leap, you know that life is an exciting, beautiful, chaotic mess and there's no sense in cleaning up just yet.